The Balance Beam of Happiness

And The Depths of Loneliness

There’s this thing that we often joked about when we are younger, the grumpy old guy. The truth is, over time, I’ve sort of become that grumpy old guy. The dude who just keeps to himself and always seems a little bit angry. While that’s sometimes the case, it isn’t always. I’m not old, but I’m old enough. I haven’t been around forever, but I’ve been around longer than many.

Honestly, many times when I may seem angry, I’m not. I’m simply tired, sick, depressed, or lonely and my mind is far from being present and presenting a jolly mood. Things that were once easier have started to become a bit more difficult. The hangovers don’t last for half a day anymore, they last for a week. The morning coffee doesn’t quite lubricate the body the way it once did. The grease in the joints has started to run dry.

This isn’t to say that I’m so old that I’m throwing in the towel, because I’m not. There are a days, however, it seems that would be the easiest and most peaceful. Just completely withdraw into isolation surrounded by nature. Turn off the news and throw the phone in the trash. Avoid people, which I do fairly well already, and just enjoy being alone.

There are many reasons that may bring a person to this point. It could be relationships, money, job, or health. For me, I don’t have just one and that list doesn’t even scratch the surface, but they are all included. One could write a psychology text book based around my feelings and the person that I am. Actually, they wouldn’t have to write it because I’m sure it already exists.

There are people in my life that I love, my family. Honestly, I’ve lived a blessed life in terms of family. We fight like all families and then we make up like good families. My mom and dad worked hard to provide for us growing up. Things weren’t always easy for them, but they did it and they did it well.

But beyond my family, there are others that I love as well. They are my friends. The close friends, the ones that are extended family. They are the brothers and sisters from other mothers and fathers. Their mothers and fathers also become your mothers and fathers. They are the ones that you often turn to in hard times and share those drinks and laughs with when times are good. You know the hangover is sure to come, but you do it anyway.

Then sometimes there are the other others. A single person in your life that you feel a romantic longing for, but they don’t feel the same. I have that person and it often tears me apart depending on the time of day or the drink count on the bar tab. I don’t even know what to do about it, because for me the feeling is so strong that you’d rather be without them than to be with another.

It’s easy to view it from the outside and just say, forget about them and move on, but just as cliche as it sounds, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” It’s times like that when you wish you didn’t have a heart, and from that, the bitterness starts to form. You look around and see couples and happiness, on the outside, but we don’t always know the inside. Either way, it doesn’t matter because they have it and I want it. I want the good and the bad because I want that kind of love. The person who will hopefully be there with you until your final breath. Otherwise, it will be a painfully cold and lonely demise.

-George